Dec 14, 2019

Park it like it’s hot

More often than not, I roll into the parking lots at Fresno State with a “Hunger Games” type mentality.

We’re all just vultures trying to survive as best as we possibly can, and that often means that we’re guilty of tossing our best behavior out the window for the sake of finding the closest spot.

However, because we’re all just trying to survive and find the perfect parking place, sometimes that means things like forgetting what it’s like to have manners. That’s where we fail as humans. There are some major parking lot missteps that make something as trivial as finding a place for your car one of the most stressful parts of your day.

  1. Just because your car is nicer than mine doesn’t mean that you deserve to charge through the parking lot like a maniac.

I don’t care if your beamer is custom painted the same color as your great-grandmother’s eyes and has a sound system that rivals an IMAX theater. Just because you have a sweet whip does not mean you can careen through the parking lot going almost 40 mph looking for a spot.

  1. Courtesy waves are not a necessity, but your mama taught you better than to not wave.

I am a firm believer in the courtesy wave. If I’m crossing the street: courtesy wave. If someone else is crossing the street: courtesy wave. If someone just gave me a sweet parking spot in the first row of P20: courtesy wave.

A courtesy wave requires so little energy that if someone doesn’t at least try to offer even the slightest gesture, I am immediately filled with rage. It’s the simplest way to say thank you.

  1. If you’re going to follow me to my car, please let me know.

It’s hot outside. I just got out of a three-hour English class. I am tired. The last thing I need is to hear the soft, intimidating purr of a Mustang preying on my prime park job.

We’re all just after the same thing. None of us wants to have to walk from the Save Mart Center parking lot or from the very back row of P20 where you can see the first row of grapevines.

All it takes is rolling down your window and asking if I’m leaving. If you insist on wordlessly following me to my spot, I will passive-aggressively stare at my phone for 10 minutes until you roll away, dejected and sad that the spot you once thought was yours, has now been willed to a  less-aggressive Prius.

  1. Look back at it.

Check before you reverse out of your parking spot. It saves for the awkward angry glare I’m going to give you, and the guilt you’ll feel for almost backing into my drivers’ side door.

We are human. We are sometimes going to be in such a hurry to leave school that we’ll haphazardly back out without regard to what’s going on around us. While that’s just as annoying, it’s slightly more excusable than knowing that someone was too busy checking their Snapchat stories than looking to see whether or not a car or a human is walking by.

  1. If you’re going to try and snag my spot, I suggest you find someone else to trifle with.

The facts have it: I went to Fresno City College. I am a black belt in parking. I would invite anyone to have a showdown with me over a spot.

Unwritten rules aren’t technically official, but are to be followed as such. If I’m patiently waiting for a spot and have been for five minutes with my turn signal on and you swoop in at the last possible minute, you are probably an awful human, and karma will probably have its way with you.

Unfortunately, parking at Fresno State is an ongoing issue that doesn’t have a readily available solution. It doesn’t seem as though a massively beautiful parking structure is going to happen anytime soon, so for the meantime, let’s work on our parking lot manners while we wait.

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