Brew Review: The best of the worst

Being a part of the craft beer experience is awesome. There’s always something new and exciting to try from established or up-and-coming breweries.

These days, the beer section in stores focuses heavily on craft beer – at least far more than in the past. Some stores and bars focus entirely on craft beer, but not everyone has gotten on board with the changing face of beer.

Anheuser Busch went so far as to slam the craft beer industry in a multimillion-dollar Super Bowl ad; it was an attempt to promote its tired, old product that is swiftly fading into the shadows of the craft beer boom.

Despite the fact that much of the craft brew business is located in the U.S., the only beers referred to as “domestic” are the mass-produced beer that favors quantity over quality.

For those who haven’t yet seen the benefit of switching to craft beer, like college kids, here is a list of the best of the worst beers that have been on the market, unchanged, for far too long.

These beers will not be given a rating, but suffice it to say, none of these beers would score above a two on a scale of one to five. The following is simply in order from best to worst:

Miller Lite #1

After pouring the Miller Lite into a glass, the first thing you’ll notice is how light it is. It has the faint smell of a pilsner. Which is good, because it is a pilsner.

One important description to give this beer is this: “It isn’t terrible.”

Despite the fact that Miller Lite doesn’t taste like much, that it bothers to attempt flavor at all is impressive.

It’s incredibly easy to drink.

Bud Light #2

The can says “smooth & refreshing,” and it doesn’t lie – it is incredibly smooth.

This beer is so close to being mere water, that it’s hard to even label it as beer.

The aroma is what Anheuser Busch would call “beer.” There is no other word to describe it. It’s probably what beer smells like when you haven’t bothered to make it taste like anything.

Did you know chocolate stouts smell like chocolate? Who knew you were supposed to make your beer taste like something. This beer lacks any flavor profile whatsoever.

Coors Light #3

Almost indistinguishable from Bud Light, Coors Light boasts a slightly strong aroma and flavor –
not that that’s a good thing.

The “beer” flavor is a bit stronger. It’s hard to believe different companies make Bud Light and Coors Light because they are so similar.

While almost identical, Coors Light is slightly less palatable than Bud Light.

Nothing about this beer should be considered “good.” Most of these beers would benefit from turning into a michelada, a beer mixed with tomato juice, lime and hot sauce, also known as a red beer. At least that would add flavor to it.

Natural Light #4

The strongest “beer” aroma so far, this beer has the flavor of something gone horribly wrong.

It almost has the flavor of some sort of cleaning product. And believe it or not, that isn’t something you want from your beer experience.

You can almost feel your headache coming on as you’re drinking it. This beer should be recommended to no one.

Pabst Blue Ribbon or PBR #5

This beer has an odd level of popularity. It has hipsters and beer traditionalists alike swooning over it. Regardless, it’s utterly terrible.

The strange beer has the aroma of apple cider.

At first, this beer isn’t all that bad – at first. After a few sips, the cider flavor goes away and you’re left with that awful beer nonflavor of “beer.”

It has the after taste of some sort of rubbing alcohol.

Wrap up

None of these beers should be something to be esteemed. They aspire to nothing. They don’t grow or evolve. They are only good as a mass-produced product. Even the worst of microbrews are probably better tasting than the best of these beers.

At least they’re trying something, whereas these domestic beers might as well be put together on an assembly line where no humans are involved in the process.

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