Defining the douchebag

In a world with a population of more than 6 billion people, it’s easy to succumb to clever insults and catchy generalizations.

As an individual, I try to be as neutral as possible and give each person I come across the benefit of the doubt.

Unfortunately, too often, the generalization speaks louder than the personality of the specimen.

Take for instance a Web site that I recently ran across due to the gentle insistence of a colleague, a male colleague to be specific.

I’m not sure what inspired him to share that gem of a Web site he spontaneously suggested, but the humor it offered up then and for the rest of the day, was priceless. It played as a women’s encyclopedia for identifying un-dateable guys; a photographic illustration on crimes of fashion and a not-to-do list for guys.

The Web site “Hot Chicks with Douchebags” appeals to society’s need to classify and vilify its people. It cries hypocrisy, it revels in cruelty and it’s just plain funny.

It’s like watching all those people on America’s Funniest Home Videos get hit in the balls. Yeah it’s funny, but you know it hurts like hell and still you laugh and sympathetically cringe at the same time.

It could be a mere coincidence, or more likely, a well thought out criterion by the developers, but all the men posted on the Web site share a list of quirky qualities.


Bryan Cole / The Collegian

The top six criteria for being a douchebag include a phony (overly bronze) tan, a dumbass semi-bleached hairdo (preferably spiked or elegantly disheveled), effeminately styled, painfully groomed eyebrows, a too small tank top or a collared shirt with three or less working buttons, a picture perfect perverted pose (pointing and pouting, both a must) and an oddly complicated maze of facial hair that connects the sideburns with the goatee and/or mustache.

It sounds, and looks like it requires quite the upkeep.

Another common thread that should be listed high is the use of accessories. Douchebags are like metrosexuals without integrity, style or a drop of grace.

To complete their look they don bandanas of various shades, aviator sunglasses, thong underwear that are distastefully visible, Ed Hardy or Affliction gear, tribal or reptilian tattoos and cheesy necklaces that hang too low or not at all (chokers).

Douchebags must always be representing. Easy ways to do this, according to the photos, are to flex any and all muscles, while simultaneously pointing them out, throw the peace sign (upside down, right side up or slightly tilted) or throw your arms around a trashy woman and point at her or her half-covered breasts.

That’s just the top coincidences; each example of a douchebag also appears to embody an individually identifying douche quality that adds to their unique doucheness. For example, the maroon velvet jacket, the skinny tight headband, the nautical star tattoo or two, the faux fur trench coat or the obviously manicured lawn of chest hair.

Douchebags have an agenda too it seems. You have to work out, tan, pick up chicks and drink incessantly. Makes me wonder what they do for work.

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