I’m voting for McCain

YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT FROM ME.

Now, I heard — and believe me I only just heard it — that Barack Obama isn’t prepared to serve as president on day one.

Where did I hear it? I dunno. I don’t think Clinton said it. Did she? I don’t think so. I’m just pretty sure I just heard it somewhere.

Don’t worry, though. I’ve also heard that Hillary does have that experience, and that she can take with confidence that 3 a.m. phone call on national security. Hillary has experience we can trust.

Obama hasn’t really responded to that attack. I mean, he might’ve, but only in the politician’s way of avoiding the issue.

Hearing no other argument, it sounds like I’m voting for Clinton. It’s pretty cut and dry.

Except — I also heard that Hillary doesn’t quite have all that much experience. Don’t ask me where, but I just heard it.

She had eight years as First Lady, and she didn’t really do much after her health care fiasco in the early ’90s. She’s not even halfway into her second term as a senator, while Obama has been a legislator at either the state or national level for more than a decade.

Hillary hasn’t really responded to her having a lack of experience. She’s mostly just dodged the issue.

She’s also avoided how whether or not her eight years as first lady counts as executive experience, because then she’d have to explain why she should be president all over again.

She’d also have to get into how she may or may not be violating the spirit of the term limits even though she’s within the letter.

She hasn’t talked about that. Hearing no other argument, it sounds like I’m voting for Obama. It’s pretty cut and dry.

Except — I also heard that Obama went to a church for 20 years whose pastor is a little — dare I say it? — anti-American. Can we trust him?

I mean, I’d rather Obama was Muslim than one of those crazy Christians. I heard that Muslim thing once, and I’m glad it didn’t turn out to be true.

I remember: He has talked about that crazy pastor. In fact, he talked about it and broader racial issues for more’n half an hour. He talked very prettily. In all that, I do remember something about him recently condemning his pastor’s statements.

Huh. But why, Senator, did you go to that church for 20 years? Why didn’t you condemn your pastor’s statements — and others like them — before being called out? Looks pretty slippery. Looks like something one of those Washington fat cats you rally against would do.

Looks like I’m voting for Clinton. It’s pretty cut and dry.

Except — wasn’t she involved in the Whitewater scandal thing? I’m too young to remember it or anything — I only just heard it — but wasn’t it, like, some major real estate crookery? She and that husband of hers were caught up in that for some time.

Looks like I’m voting for Obama. It’s pretty cut and dry.

Except — wasn’t he involved in some Rekzo scandal thing? I haven’t heard too much about it, but it was something about some real estate crookery. He and that wife of his are caught up in that right now.

Looks like I’m voting for Clinton. It’s pretty cut and dry.

After all, Geraldine Ferraro backs Hillary. She’s that female 1984 vice presidential candidate famous for saying that if her name was Gerald Ferraro she wouldn’t have gotten the nomination.

Except — didn’t Ferraro say something about how Obama was this close to the nomination only because he was black? And didn’t she resign from the campaign or something because of it?

I guess I shouldn’t vote for Clinton.

At least Obama’s campiagn is built on some sort of pretense about hope and a change in politics as usual.

He won’t betray that, and he’ll make sure that his campaign aides stay on message. Except — didn’t one of his aides liken Hillary to a monster? Didn’t that aide resign because of it? I mean, that’s pretty serious.

Sure, that aide has a point, but doesn’t such a comment, in whatever context, undermine the whole campaign built on positive politicking? Obviously, I can’t vote for Obama.

This back-and-forth contest is giving me a real headache. You two: seriously. I really don’t care anymore. Covertly spreading rumors about each other — some true, some half-true, some “Obama is a Muslim” — is no way to capture my imagination to and through the polling booth.

Looks like I’m voting for John McCain.

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