Changes to dining facility food are for the best

By Benjamin Baxter
The Collegian

NOW THAT THE crazy preacher men are something of a scarcity, there’s nothing at Fresno State that earns nearly as much horrified but amused ire as the dorm’s cafeteria.

Despite the mass-processed, mass-produced food, the Residence Dining Facility — newly renamed to some other name I could care less about — hitched up its gigantic blue overalls last fall, finding ways to improve the services.

These days, you can throw together a bowl of granola for yourself before both your early-morning pilates session and your godforsaken speech class at an appropriately ungodly hour of night.

If you’re feeling adventurous — or at least as much as two Fresno State students last semester — you could just about spend your whole day in the land of hot plates and sandwiches.

But even though the cafeteria somehow managed to get its act together — steaming hamburgers in their own juices hours at a time is thing of the past — there’s still a sort of raw delight in picking apart its food.

Pun deliciously intended.

Take an unofficial cafeteria motto, for example: “If it’s not fried, it’s deep-fried.” If someone would translate that into Latin for me, I’ll buy the place a memorial plaque.

Don’t get me wrong: if you look hard enough and somehow lost your ability to taste in a freak accident, there are actually healthy options available these days.

My favorite addition is that freezer full of vegan fiber cakes, whose flavors include chocolate, raspberry and barely edible.

They usually mix in that last flavor with the rest to provide some consistency.

Don’t get me wrong; I eat those things all the time. You should understand that when I say, “barely edible,” I mean “free, and mostly non-perishable.”

The stockpiling food in my room is out of control. My roommate barely leaves enough room for my vegan hearts when he amasses the cafeteria’s lunchtime personal pizzas.

Good thing I keep the fiber cakes in the freezer. There’d be no room otherwise.

Point being, if people like food enough to save some for later, the cafeteria really shouldn’t have anything to worry about anymore.

Even though residents can choose between up to four different types of chicken — each battered, deep-fried or heavily seasoned — the quality is more consistent and the sorts of foods less predictable.

No longer will these students be forced to subside on creative combinations of normally incongruous foods to get some sort of variety in their daily lives.

While I still think mixing my Kix and Cocoa Puffs is a good idea, I can choose not to and escape with my sanity. Even Sunday’s decision to make the world’s largest burrito meant for human consumption using hash browns and chicken fries was mine to make.

And because the soft serve machine isn’t always broken, I can get my regulation 8 oz. of vanilla-chocolate swirl, especially in this crop-destroying cold.

Normally, I’d say that abrupt change can only mean one thing, but bodysnatching aliens don’t usually come around this time of year.

Maybe this year the cafeteria management doesn’t read the contents of the suggestion box every time it needs a good laugh.

Maybe these renovations mean year-end evaluations aren’t some cruel practical joke meant to deceive residents into feeling their voice has any meaning to anyone else.

I will never say that it’s time to stop giving the cafeteria a hard time, but I do admit that it’s not going to be nearly as easy.

Congratulations.

If they’re actually reading those evaluations, I won’t put down “wine flutes for use with virgin screwdrivers” anymore.

Only the Fresh Prince can appreciate orange juice out of a champagne glass.

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