The Collegian

9/8/04 • Vol. 129, No. 7

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Wilderness at battle with fat and money hungry

Thoughts from the doghouse returns

Terror is in the ‘M' word

Can't get enough Moore

Thoughts from the doghouse returns

You know when you're in class, your mind starts to wander and you come up with weird thoughts like, “Hey, didn't these two jerks say they weren't going to write this crap anymore?”   Well we decided to write them down.   Enjoy.

  • We're back.   You're probably wondering why.   I know Ryan and I said we weren't going to do this anymore, but there was still a desire to write stupid comments.   What can I say, we love to write this column.   (Ryan:   “Alberto's lying.   He's an attention whore.   Always has been, always will be.”)   You're probably also wondering, didn't you graduate?   Yes, that is true.   While I love my job, there's nothing more satisfying than making lame jokes about Britney Spears, drinking, and Latin Majors.
  • When I wrote to The Collegian announcing Alberto and I were coming back, their response was, “Who the F are you guys?”   After 50 e-mails and countless hours of begging, The Collegian reluctantly took us back.   We would've been back sooner, but I had a hard time waking Alberto from his drunken stupor.
  • Ah, the MTV VMA's.   At the beginning of the show, Will Smith said, “Miami's given so much to me.   Now it's time for me to give something back.”   Then he brought out Shaq in a Heat jersey.   If Will Smith really wanted to give something back, how about refunding everyone who had to sit through “Wild Wild West?”
  • Mr. JLo…err, Marc Anthony, was also at the VMA's.   We're still arguing about whether he looks more like Skeletor or a reject from the “Thriller” video.
  • Alberto's Thoughts On The MTV VMA's: Jon Stewart's little skits were almost as bad as Hoobastank's performance.   I'm a fan of Jon Stewart and he let me down.   He tried desperately to be funny but failed miserably.   (Ryan:   “Hey, now he knows how you feel.”)
  • Alberto's Thoughts on Rap Lyrics: I love rap music but some lyrics make you scratch your head and say “What the hell?”   Take Lil' Flip's “Sunshine” for example.   He says, “I'll treat you like milk/I'll do nothing but spoil you.”   I just have one question: What kind of an idiot purposely spoils milk?!
  • Surefire signs you might've had too much to drink: If you ever go to a Grizzlies game and start picking a fight with a 7-year-old, you might've had too much to drink. (Alberto:   “Don't look at me.   He started it.”)
  • Ryan's Fantasy Football Advice: Fellas, whatever you do, don't draft or pick up Emmitt Smith.   He's kind of like that old pair of shoes you keep in the back of your closet.   They're mainly there just for the memories, but you know you'll never use them again.   As much as you like those shoes, no amount of shoe goo is going to repair the damage that's been done.   (Alberto: “What the hell are you talking about? Are you off your meds again?”)
  • This semester we'd like to hear from you, our devoted reader(s). We set up an e-mail account so if you have a funny topic you'd like to discuss, a great random thought of your own, or just general hate mail, send them to For the love of God, someone please write to us. We're desperate for material.