I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive my girlfriend for what she put me through on Valentine’s Day three years ago.
The film adaptation of the “Fifty Shades of Grey” novel had just arrived in theaters and I begrudgingly agreed to go watch it. I knew it was going to be awful, because how often does an awful book get adapted into a great movie? I am going to guess never.
I was right, I was so, so right, but nothing could have prepared me for the film’s unforgiving awfulness.
Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey make for the the worst romance in the history of cinema. Their relationship is extremely toxic and lacks substance.
Grey walks the fine line between caring boyfriend and unsettling control freak with the grace of a drunk pig. He gets angry at her for going out and drinking with friends, he flies to go see her at her parents house uninvited and basically forces his sexual desires on to her.
Steele is nothing more than a weak female character that relies on a man for her fulfillment. Grey’s money, looks and sex fulfill her, and it’s just sad. A character like that had no place in 2015, and it definitely does not have a place now. But kudos to Dakota Johnson, who played Steele, for making the most of what she was given. Her performance was by far the film’s most redeeming quality.
As for plot, this movie has none, or at least none that’s worth investing in. Literally 95 percent of this movie is Steele debating on whether or not she should sign a contract that would let Grey perform BDSM acts on her. The rest is spent on the two having sex, or taking trips because Grey is a successful business man that apparently never actually goes to work.
The dialogue is still the cheesiest I’ve ever heard. I couldn’t help but laugh when Grey deadpanned “I don’t make love, I fuck.” The rest of the theater joined in and laughed as well.
I walked out of the movie realizing I had never hated a film as much as that one, and then I realized that there was three of these books, so you know what that means? Yes, they put out two more of these, TWO MORE. But thankfully, I never had to endure them. I told myself I would never spend any more money on this trash heap of a franchise.
But the third one was released and now it’s finally over, finally! No one ever has to sit through these sorry excuses for movies ever again. Let’s celebrate this end of an era and watch romances that actually contain romance in them!