LATEST
Hannah Taylor uses an elliptical machine at AC4 Fitness in Goleta, California, on June 19, 2012. As people work out, gyms can use power generated from machines. (Ricardo DeAratanha/Los Angeles Times/MCT)

Gym do’s and don’ts

  1. Don’t just use your phone on the machines. You are taking up valuable space on expensive equipment and wasting my time. Some people actually work out at the gym. These aren’t just expensive benches. Go to your recliner and put on Netflix if you want to scroll Facebook and Reddit.
  2. Do pick up after yourself. I’m not your mother and the free weights aren’t your legos. I do not want to stub my toe or trip over a weight – or worse, not be able to find a weight because your lazy butt left it by the squat bar for some reason. That is not very woke of you.
  3. Don’t take the machine next to someone if there are many open ones. You look creepy and you are invading my space. You have officially made cardio an uncomfortable experience for me, and I will never forgive you. I’m not here to make friends; I am here to make gains.
  4. Do ask for help when you encounter a new machine. If you don’t know how to use something, ask. It’s not like the people at the front desk won’t help you. They can take a break from their tinder swiping to come show you how to deadlift or use the leg press properly.
  5. Don’t play your music out loud. I’m sorry that you forgot your headphones at home, but do not punish me with “Eye of the Tiger” one more time. I don’t care if it “pumps you up.” I guess you’re gonna have to listen to that outdated and overplayed gym playlist again. Tell me what you think of Katy Perry’s 2010 hit.
  6. Do wipe off your equipment after using it. I don’t want to sit in your pit juice. I don’t want to catch your cold. Do us a favor and use the spray bottles that are conveniently located everywhere. Be a good lifter; sanitation is there.
  7. Don’t work yourself too hard. No one wants to see you get hurt. I wouldn’t wish a tendon rupture on you, even if you insist on sitting on the stationary bike next to me. Lift with a spotter. Stretch. Hurting yourself will keep you from working out in the near future. Kiss getting swole goodbye.
  8. Do wear the proper attire. Leggings are not the same as yoga pants. They are see through when you squat. It’s not flattering. Please wear shirts that cover at least your nipples. Those gym shirts with the giant slits in the side show off your vanity much more than they show off your abs.
  9. Don’t show off for attention. We don’t want to hear your awkward grunts showing off your “masculinity” while throwing weights around, or doing a thousand curls because it “looks cool.” You might as well kiss your guns in front of every person that walks by. Oh wait. You already did that when you strutted in front of the mirrors.  
  10. Do continue to work out. Don’t let others discourage you. Go to the gym. Work on yourself. These suggestions are to help you grow in the gym so that you aren’t discouraged by the seemingly exclusive gym culture. Work hard. Do you.