Apr 23, 2019
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Emojis: The good, the bad, the ugly

If you own a smartphone today, you probably know what an emoji is. Emojis are those little icons that you have the option to add to your text to enhance whatever you are saying. Some emojis are really useful, like the little faces with emotions on them. But some emojis serve no purpose whatsoever.

One example of a worthless emoji is the sweet potato emoji. You cannot even tell what this emoji is. It looks like a sawed-off alien ham hock with a yellow interior. When will you ever use this?

The most popular way that sweet potato is served these days is in fry form. If you were eating sweet potato fries, you would not even think to add this yellow lump to your Instagram posts.

Another totally unnecessary emoji is the ant. Why would you need to tell people that you have ants with an emoji? We all hate ants. They are purposeless demon spawn. We do not want to know about your infestation.

Are you really going to tweet “Hey guys I got ants #TheStruggle” with an emoji of an ant?  You could call someone an ant. That’s a subpar insult, but it is a possible explanation for why this odd emoji exists.

The last worthless emoji available in iOS is the CD. And there isn’t just one CD. There are three. So there are three useless emojis that you will never use, all in one. CDs are dated technology, but they aren’t dated enough to be classic yet, like the cassette tape. If you post a cassette tape, you are probably using it to accentuate your #ThrowBackThursday.

But posting a CD, that is just not old enough to throwback. If your older siblings are still carrying around a 10 pound case of CDs in their passenger seat, then you cannot use them for a #TBT. Give it another decade before this emoji gets any real use.

Now that we have settled on some emojis that aren’t working, can we pick some emojis that need a chance?

There should be a cheese emoji. Like a wedge of cheese. Our inner fatties cry out for there to be cheese on everything. It’s only American for us to naturally want a cheese emoji. There is a wine glass emoji, so even the classy individuals need a cheese wedge to accentuate their bubble bath wine and cheese selfies.

We also need a taco emoji. As Californians, and especially as Fresnans, we should be demanding that iOS and Android include a taco emoji with their next update. There are three different kinds of rice crackers, but not one single taco. Where is the outrage?

Tacos have to be the most consumed dish in Fresno and one of the most consumed in California. We demand representation!

There is no taco, but there is flan. How is that possible? Tacos are much more common. There is even a day of the week dedicated to them. Taco Thursday, anyone? There is no flan Friday.

The last emoji that we should be rallying for is a shark emoji. There are whales and dolphins, but no amazing ferocious predators of the sea. There is a whole week of the year dedicated to sharks. During Shark Week, we are just going to have to post emojis of whales and hope that no one notices the inferior sea creatures.

It would also be important to have a shark emoji seeing as The San Jose Sharks are a pretty big deal to the 15 or so hockey fans in California.

The bottom line is that emoji creators need to get on their game. The public has requests, and they need to be met. Long live cheese, tacos and sharks.

 

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