Panda Express isn’t cheap down in the Union, but I love it ever so.

And the only thing I love more than my double orange, fried rice and side of mandarin sauce is the fortune cookie fortune.

Sure, it’s not authentic Chinese wisdom, just as the cookie isn’t authentic Chinese food. Even the entrees at Panda Express aren’t authentic Chinese food.

But how can you avoid advice like the inevitable People are waiting for cues from you. There are so many ways to follow that one up, whether it’s “between the sheets” — my step-mom’s favorite — or simply “in bed.”

If I simply told you that Step-by-step, you will ascend the staircase to greatness, you’ll probably blow off my remarks, and for good reason. You hardly know me.

When a cookie says it, it has to be true.

Generic advice is always a good thing, even if it’s as simple as Stick to the basics. Be wary of novelties. Good thing this Panda Express routine is a regular thing. I wouldn’t know what to do without occasional chopstick use, or frequent vague observations.

Cookies gave me the impetuous to Be daring. Try something new. A cookie told me rather eerily that A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune just as I was about to switch majors.

Once, my cookie said this to me:

You are an artistic person. Let your colors show.

In bed. Heh.

But one dark and stormy afternoon, the clairvoyant cookies really made their case for omniscience.

Work on improving your exercise routine.

I’m a pretty hefty guy, and I could stand to lose a few pounds.

Maybe I should stop eating so much Panda Express.

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In other news: the first time a Microsoft product has ever lacked innovation; senseless party politics to dominate Washington; and it’s a good thing states’ rights didn’t really start the last Civil War.